God’s Consolation
Wednesday, November 18th, 2009I asked God, why did you take my loved one?
His reply came in a letter which read ” Dear son or daughter of god, your life is important to me. Please wait patiently for your answer, you will know when you have it.”
Man, I thought, that’s weird why not answer right away? maybe it’s to teach me something… so I waited and pondered the question.
Later that year I got another letter which read “Dear Richard, you have experienced loss and it must hurt terribly, though I know the feeling of loss because I sent my son there and he died for your sins so if you wouldn’t bother me with the minute portions of my plan I would appreciate it if you would only concern me with matters of pertinence” signed sincerely yours God.
Well, that sucks yeah his son died for my sins was that a guilt trip to get me to go along and not question? What does he mean his minute portions of his plan? what a cop out! he seems so overt and uninterested in my life. So I called his number that I got from a priest through a book that was written in Latin, translated into Hebrew, translated into German, and then translated into English, and then revised into a conservative novella about the desperation of a gay man on an island filled with beautiful women, but since he’s gay God kills him and the women die too after the flood that only saved the cockroaches because the cockroaches are the only things that truly obey gods will and that is why they would survive a nuclear holocaust. The number was thus : 3.14. in puzzlement I re-read the number and was puzzled all over again, or rather the puzzle had me. Anyway I dial 3.14 into my cell phone and I get the operator asking what the hell i thought i was doing I quickly hang up and thought hard… I asked my pastor what it might mean and he said something about 3.14 being proof of God’s existence, though he didn’t explain why. hmmm proof of God without validation well I’ve swallowed things larger than dogma so I let it slide. Eventually I learn that 3.14 is what you get when you divide the something by something else that is geometrically significant about a circle… I think it was a circle… anyway so I dial in the seven digit number — the others must have gotten lost in the translations. The other line picked up and a woman said in a nasally prude and obnoxious fashion — like a Mormon I thought — she said “suicide help line” there was clatter in the background of a thousand calls being answered by a thousand different people. I said ” um, I need to talk to God” the reply was quick and sounded rehearsed ” Are you feeling suicidal? have you thought about suicide and how to do it? could I call anyone to talk you down from the ledge… ” and then a totally unsatisfying “my friend?” “No, I just wanted some answers.” To which her response was ” Hold please while a traaaaansfer you.”
While on hold I was listening to Prince, and while tapping my toes half impatiently and half with the beat I thought about how weird that raspberry beret would be God’s hold music for the suicide line. After waiting so long I nearly dozed the other line cut off meat loaf singing ” I would do anything for love, but I won’t do” I guess I’ll never know what he wouldn’t do I thought “Sir? are you there?” I heard on the other line “Yes” I replied, ” Is god there?” “I’m sorry sir, God doesn’t answer calls. But maybe I can help you, I’m a certified tech support engineer.” “Tech support?” I said incredulous. How could I have gotten to tech support? “Yes sir, we handle all kinds of things now, we have India to compete with.” I assumed this was some sort of tech support joke and continued in the same vein ” I need to talk to God, it’s important I need some answers.” He said ” I understand your concern sir, but I’m fairly sure that I can be of some assistance today.” To which I said ” Okay, well I needed to know why my loved one was taken from me and I am to live the rest of my life without someone whom I love dearly and can never forget. Nor will my heart heal from this for as long as I live. Now, sir I would like to know why” His reply was slow as if looking it up in a book or something. ” Are you experiencing any pains? headache, nausea, diarrhea, suicidal thoughts, or homicidal thoughts?” he said, and “no on all counts” was my reply. “Then what seems to be the problem?” he said. ” Are you serious? get me to someone who can answer my question!”. The line went dead and my heart dropped… Then there was a ringing on the line that started just as I was about to hang it up…
To be continued…